Choosing Yourself - How to Recognise When it's Time to Walk Away
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Ever found yourself staying in a situation, you know isn’t right for you? A relationship that’s lost its spark? A job that’s draining the life out of you? If so, I feel you.
I’ve stayed in places, relationships, situations and even mindsets far longer than I should have. Looking back (because hindsight’s wonderful) it feels almost unbelievable that I clung so tightly to things I absolutely knew, weren’t for me.
We all have moments where we stay in places we’ve outgrown. But why? Why do we hold on to things that we know we shouldn’t?
Familiarity feels safe
One of the biggest reasons we stay is because familiarity feels safe. Even when we know a situation is no good for us, we would rather stay in a place where we know the rules, regardless of whether we agree with them or not.
It’s hard to leave what you know, even when it’s hurting you because the unknown can feel terrifying.
Imagine being in a relationship where arguments are constant. Now, you know it’s toxic but it’s also what you’re used to.
Our patterns often tie back to past experiences, so if you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional and chaotic or where arguments were a regular occurrence, it can shape what you view as ‘normal’.
We unconsciously seek out situations throughout our life that replicate those childhood feelings because they feel like home, even when home isn’t peaceful at all.
It’s not that you love it, it’s that you know it. And sometimes, the pain you know feels safer than the freedom you don’t.
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Fear of leaving
Let’s be honest, leaving is scary when you don’t know what’s on the other side and it can bring up so many fears. What if it’s no better? What if you regret it? What if this is really as good as it gets? These questions will keep you stuck in the wrong place for years.
The unknown can feel like too much to deal with, so it’s easier to just stay in the situation, rather than take the risk.
But here’s the thing – staying in a place that’s wrong for you doesn’t fix the fear, it just prolongs it. The fears still there, it’s just of a different kind.
Sometimes, the very best thing you can do is face that fear head on and trust that you are capable of dealing with all that comes. You deserve to and are meant to be happy so give yourself the chance to be.
If you don’t try, you’ll never know.
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Sunk cost fallacy
Ever felt like you’ve invested too much time into something, that you just can’t walk away? This is the ‘sunk cost fallacy’ in action.
Whether it’s time, money or energy, the idea of ‘throwing it all away’ can keep us stuck in places that make us miserable.
Imagine you’ve been in a relationship for five years. The first two years were happy, but the last three, have been anything but. You find yourself justifying your staying because you’ve been in this relationship for so long but here’s the thing – you cannot get the past back, all you can do is control how much more of your time and energy you’re willing to give.
Your past should never dictate your future and you are allowed to change your mind about what is right for you, at any point. What matters most, is that your current situation is aligned with who you are and what you want now.
Walking away doesn’t erase the time you’ve invested or all the things you’ve learned but it’s does prevent you from wasting any more time.
Ask yourself, is this situation really worth sacrificing your own happiness for?
You are never meant to give so much of yourself that there’s nothing left. Never empty your soul to fill someone else’s.
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Holding on to hope
Whilst hope can be beautiful, it can also become a trap that keeps you stuck in unhealthy patterns and places. Telling yourself that things will get better if you just try harder, love more or hold out a little bit longer, will do nothing but leave you disappointed.
Constantly hoping for potential rather than paying attention to the facts, means you are ignoring the reality of how things are.
Yes, change is possible but some situations will not change, no matter how much you give. Your energy is better spent in places where it is reciprocated and where it doesn’t feel like such a struggle.
If you find yourself often hoping for more, it may be time to ask yourself - how long are you willing to wait? How much more of your energy are you willing to give?
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Feelings of failure
One of the hardest truths to accept is that walking away doesn’t mean you’ve failed. For so many of us, leaving a relationship, job or situation that isn’t right can feel like we’re giving up. But if you’re to stay, in a place that is making you miserable, are you not giving up on yourself?
And if there’s one thing you should never give up on, it’s you.
Choosing to leave an unhappy place, is not a sign of failure but a sign that you value yourself and your needs enough, to not settle for less than you deserve.
When we start to measure success by our own level of happiness, it becomes clear that staying in a situation that jeopardises this, isn’t a win.
Success isn’t about how long you stayed, how much you endured or how much effort you poured into something that wasn’t working. It lies in your ability to recognise when something is no longer for you and having the strength to let it go.
Embracing this mindset will mean you no longer see things ending as a loss but instead, a necessary part of your growth and a stepping stone to where you’re meant to be.
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Guilt
Ah, guilt – that sneaky little emotion that convinces us to sacrifice our happiness for the sake of others. Whether it’s worrying about disappointing a partner, a family member or even society’s expectations, guilt can be a hard pill to swallow.
But here’s something to remember – you are not responsible for managing other people’s feelings or expectations and you are definitely not meant to live a life on anyone else’s terms.
It’s easy to convince yourself that leaving is selfish but guilt is not a solid foundation for any relationship. Over time, neglecting your own needs will kill your self esteem and will only lead to resentment.
Prioritising yourself can be especially difficult if there are children involved. So many people will stay in situations that are breaking them because they feel it is what’s best for their children. But, children are intuitive and will pick up on feelings of tension, even if they’re not talked about. So rather than being protected, they are learning to navigate life in an unhealthy way.
What is most important for children to see, is their parents choosing happiness and self respect. By doing so, you’re not only giving yourself a chance but you’re showing your children what a healthy, loving environment looks like. One that is built on love and support, not obligation.
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Moving Forward
The truth is, staying in a situation that isn’t right for you is rarely about just one thing – it’s often a mix of emotions and fears, that keep you stuck.
At first, it might be hope. Hope that the person you’re with will change, that things will get better or that the struggles are just temporary.
Then there’s the reluctance to accept what is. Acknowledging that a relationship or situation isn’t working can feel like admitting you’ve wasted years of your life. But that belief only keeps you tied to a sinking ship. Those years weren’t wasted, they were filled with lessons and experiences that shaped you. Staying longer won’t undo the past, it just robs you of your future.
Fear may creep in. The fear of starting over, of being alone or that maybe things won’t be better on the other side.
Whatever your feelings, they are completely natural but they can also cloud your judgement and convince you that staying in discomfort is better than risking the unknown.
When these reasons pile up, it’s easy to feel scared by the weight of it all. But the reality is, none of these reasons should ever hold more power than your happiness.
The key to change starts with one simple question – Am I happy here?
If the answer is no, then every day you spend in this place, is another day you move further away from the life you deserve.
You’re not stuck, you’re being called to make a choice and whilst that choice may feel heavy, it’s also necessary.
It is never too late for you to choose yourself, so how do we do that?
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Reaffirming values
Get really, really clear on your values and life goals.
Over time, it’s easy to lose sight of your own values and what you truly want. In relationships especially, we often compromise little by little until we’re no longer holding the standards we once had.
Think about the things you told yourself you’d never accept in a partner, fast forward a few years and you might find yourself letting those behaviours slide because they’ve become part of the routine.
For me, life comes down to two clear goals – happiness and peace. Everything I do, every decision I make, is filtered through these values. When something or someone threatens either of these, it’s crystal clear that it’s not aligned with the life I want to live.
Having this clarity makes it easier to navigate challenges and recognise when it’s time to hold on or let go.
Your own values might look different but the principle is the same. When you’re clear about what truly matters to you, it becomes a compass that guides all of your decisions.
Remember, your values are yours alone. They don’t have to align with what others expect of you.
Values Alignment Exercise;
- List your top 5 values (e.g – love, peace, stability, personal growth, integrity)
- Look at your current situation. Ask yourself does this support or conflict these values?
- Highlight and journal on areas of misalignment (e.g – ‘if I valued peace, I wouldn’t tolerate constant arguments’).
Focus on Your Vision for The Future
Leaving something behind can feel like losing a part of your identity. That’s why it’s so important to shift your focus from what you’re walking away from to what you’re walking toward.
What do you want your life to look like? What goals do you have for your future? And, who do you want to be surrounded by when you achieve them?
Create a vision that excites you, one based around your values and write it down. Go into as much detail as physically possible, daydream about it often and let it get you excited. Begin by taking small, intentional steps to get that future. Whether you need to change your own behaviours, habits or you need to rethink who is around you at that time – each step, no matter how small will remind you that you are working towards building something better.
Future Self Exercise;
- Close your eyes and picture your ideal future. Visualise where you are, who is around you and what your day feels like.
- Write down this vision in detail, include any feelings that come with it.
- Reflect daily on this visualisation to keep you grounded and motivated in what you want to achieve.
A Reminder: You Deserve to Be at Peace
Not everyone is for you and not every situation is meant to last forever. And that’s okay. Letting go doesn’t mean you failed, it means you’ve grown.
Life isn’t meant to be lived in survival mode and your happiness is not just nice to have, it’s essential.
When you stay in a situation out of obligation, fear, or guilt, you’re depriving yourself of the chance to fulfil your potential. It’s okay to step away from things that weigh you down and acknowledge that your needs matter.
It’s never easy. It takes courage, self awareness and trust in your own worth. But by letting go of what no longer serves you, you create space for new opportunities, healthier connections, and a version of yourself that feels whole.
Write a Letter Exercise;
- Imagine a close friend who is in a situation that mirrors your own.
- Write a compassionate letter advising them. Be honest and kind.
- Read the advice back to yourself, notice how it makes you feel.